Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Lesson learned.

Happiness is something that you create within yourself.
You control how you react to situations, and you have the ability to turn naturally negative situations into something positive.

I always thought that you could change your attitude in EVERY situation, but recently I have discovered that there are times in which you cannot.
After the passing of my uncle back in August, along with a couple other life changing events, I become extremely depressed. At one point I contemplated hurting myself so that the people around me would realize and comprehend how much I needed to get help, instead of them just passing it off as having the blues.

I've learned that there are times in which your emotions take over and something in your brain clicks off. You are not in control of YOU anymore, and let me tell you, it is a scary feeling. It's scary knowing that something is going on within you that you cannot change by yourself.  It is also scary trying to ask for help.  I feel ashamed and embarrassed because usually I can pick up the pieces of my life by myself.

This time, I couldn't.

I tried to stay positive, and happy, and find the good in the things I was doing but it became impossible.
I cried every night for no apparent reason, I wasn't going to classes, I wasn't doing the homework, and I wasn't studying for the tests. I had isolated myself from my friends and plastered on this fake smile so everyone I did interact with would think that I was okay. But, it was all a lie - fake.

Everyday tasks became insurmountable.  I couldn't even get myself out of bed most days.

I. Was. Sad.

I still am sad, and I am working on getting through this and getting help so that I can go back to being ME!
(I have never realized how much I loved myself until I wasn't myself)

One thing that I have learned through this journey is that, to be happy, you must endure sadness.  The sadness makes you grateful for the good days, the normal days, and even the bad days when everything goes wrong.  Because right now, even those bad days look pretty good compared to feeling like this.  It has shown me that I take my life for granted. The normal "boring" days are beautiful and should be enjoyed because you don't know when you are going to have them again. 

Without sadness we wouldn't know happiness. I am beginning to embrace what is happening to me and turning it into something positive. Even though things absolutely suck right now, the happiness that is going to follow it will be as sweet as candy and I am so excited to get back to that place.


1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you feel that way, but believe me, you're not alone. I have been going through the very same thing since my miscarriage almost 2 years ago. Everything that you mentioned here, I have felt. I'm STILL trying to get better.

    All I can tell you is hang in there. Also, don't be afraid to share your feelings; you might find people who feel the same way - like me!

    Also? I think you said it best. Embrace the sadness, so that you can appreciate happiness.

    Lots of love,