Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Lesson learned.

Happiness is something that you create within yourself.
You control how you react to situations, and you have the ability to turn naturally negative situations into something positive.

I always thought that you could change your attitude in EVERY situation, but recently I have discovered that there are times in which you cannot.
After the passing of my uncle back in August, along with a couple other life changing events, I become extremely depressed. At one point I contemplated hurting myself so that the people around me would realize and comprehend how much I needed to get help, instead of them just passing it off as having the blues.

I've learned that there are times in which your emotions take over and something in your brain clicks off. You are not in control of YOU anymore, and let me tell you, it is a scary feeling. It's scary knowing that something is going on within you that you cannot change by yourself.  It is also scary trying to ask for help.  I feel ashamed and embarrassed because usually I can pick up the pieces of my life by myself.

This time, I couldn't.

I tried to stay positive, and happy, and find the good in the things I was doing but it became impossible.
I cried every night for no apparent reason, I wasn't going to classes, I wasn't doing the homework, and I wasn't studying for the tests. I had isolated myself from my friends and plastered on this fake smile so everyone I did interact with would think that I was okay. But, it was all a lie - fake.

Everyday tasks became insurmountable.  I couldn't even get myself out of bed most days.

I. Was. Sad.

I still am sad, and I am working on getting through this and getting help so that I can go back to being ME!
(I have never realized how much I loved myself until I wasn't myself)

One thing that I have learned through this journey is that, to be happy, you must endure sadness.  The sadness makes you grateful for the good days, the normal days, and even the bad days when everything goes wrong.  Because right now, even those bad days look pretty good compared to feeling like this.  It has shown me that I take my life for granted. The normal "boring" days are beautiful and should be enjoyed because you don't know when you are going to have them again. 

Without sadness we wouldn't know happiness. I am beginning to embrace what is happening to me and turning it into something positive. Even though things absolutely suck right now, the happiness that is going to follow it will be as sweet as candy and I am so excited to get back to that place.


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Blogging & Fall Break

Ahhhh! Finally! 
After spending 6+ hours trying to get this thing up and halfway decent looking, I am back in the blogging world! (Not that I ever officially left, but it's nice to have a fresh start)
I am overjoyed at the thought of having a blog I can write in everyday (dreaming big with that one, haha) and creating my own little blogging family. I have always wanted to have a "cyber family", or whatever you want to call them, to turn to when things get rough and even to celebrate with when things go great. It's just nice to have an extra support group around. 

I'm not really sure where this is going to take me.  After reading a couple blogs, I've realized that most have a general topic that they stick to, i.e motherhood, inspirational stuff, poetry etc. But I'm not a mom, I can't write about happy things every frickin' day, and I can only write poetry-like stuff when I get in certain moods. So I guess that just leaves me to write about the random, sometimes philosophical stuff I think about, college life, my family & friends, my quirks and my passions. My hope for this blog is that it will help me better understand myself, others, and life in general especially now when everything is chaotic and I feel like a lost puppy.

But, enough with the intro junk.
It is finally Fall Break! I really have no idea how I am going to survive after college without random days off, three week Christmas breaks, and 4 month long summers with no commitments. Oh the real world...*sigh*
I feel like I don't even deserve a break though. This whole semester has seemed like a break to me. I haven't been applying myself as I should be. I can't even say I'm doing things half-ass'd because I haven't been doing it any ass'd for that matter. I don't even know if ass'd is a word. I have been so absent from everything. I'm here physically but, mentally I'm so far gone.  Sometimes I wonder if losing my uncle the day before classes started has anything to do with me being all weirded out right now. Missing the first day in every class kinda threw me off, didn't make me feel like I was part of the group - separate. And I think it made me start questioning whether or not all this schooling is actually worth it in the long run.  Yes, I can hear you all saying it is in the back of my head, but my heart just does not feel that way anymore. Why do we spend most of our lives going to school and working instead of enjoying the gift we have been given. I don't even remember the last time I went to the park to swing on the swings. It's such a shame. I'll write more on this later.

Back to fall break though! It is here, and even if it is only one day, I am going to jump into it with excitement and gratefulness. Normally I would go home for FB, but this year I decided to stay at school. It's different living in an apartment versus living in a dorm room. It is home, or at least more home-y than having cinder block walls and community bathrooms. Tomorrow I am going to be here alone the whole day cause all of my friends/roommates are going home. I am planning on making it a work day so I can get a majority of my Policing paper finished. Saturday there is a craft show at the fairgrounds that I want to go check out. I wish my mom was going to be here to go with me, we went together all the time when I was younger.  And instead of going to see my family, my family is coming to see me. And by family I just mean brother. I am so so so so so excited for him to come down on Saturday so we can spend some quality time together and so I can finally show him around campus! So that is the extent of my fall break. Nothing too exciting, but just enough stuff that I don't die of boredom. It's supposed to rain all weekend too, so that will make being a homebody even easier. :)

Thank you to those of you who made it all the way through that dry, boring post. Hopefully they will become more juicy and exciting as I get this going.

Have a wonderful Thursday evening!